Today my nanny started working with us. Ugh writing that sentence made me cringe. As irrational as it sounds I feel bad saying I have someone help me.
I'm a working mum - I have a store, an online store and a design business. For the last 5 1/2 months it has been me and my son trying to juggle business and mommyhood. I will be totally honest In the past few months I have:
- Cried - more than once! Okay a lot!
- Threw the odd fit
- Desperately wanted to go to the washroom at a normal speed
- Needed a nap more than my baby
- driven around aimlessly while my child slept just to enjoy a few minutes of peace
- Sung "I'm a little tea pot" a million times
- Just wanted to eat in peace and at a normal rate
- And wait for it...put a movie on to entertain my child. (Insert shock and horror here)
Today a lovely woman named Ana entered our life and seemed to effortlessly manage my son the entire day while I tried to focus and get some work done. She did none of the things above.
I felt torn as I heard them play, I wanted and needed to work but when I heard him cry I had to battle with myself not to run to him.
When she had gone home and my husband and I were having our usual "what did the baby do today" talk I actually got teary eyed because I couldn't say if he had pooped during the day! I didn't know everything about his day. Every smile he made that day I didn't see. At that moment I realized that I can't have it all. I can't run a business and be there for every moment of his life. My heart broke a little bit.
I'm sure I will come to terms with it but for now I'm going to be a little weepy and kiss my son good night and whisper to him that I love him to the moon and back.